I chose this for myself, now what.

I have been married almost a decade. For the past 5 years, I have not been happy. I really knew about one year ago it could not be saved. I was asking my husband to be something he could not be. I was very drunk one night and I said "I do not love my husband". I always thought I would be married forever. So, I knew it was a matter of time before an "event" would happen. When you are looking for something in the universe, it has a way of finding you. On my birthday party, I met someone. I did not look at him at all as a person of interest. Ive been married so long that I do not look for other people. Of course, I think the person I met would have gone for anything warm and breathing. But, we locked lips and a whatever it was that I was missing with my husband was suddenly awakened. It was wonderful to be kissed and touched so passionately. My first thoughts were that I could see this guy every so often and say nothing to my husband. I did not want to lose my family, but I just wanted to feel wanted again. We met at a hotel a few days later and fucked like rabbits. I was beyond happy. He touched me in places I forgot had nerve endings. We laughed and talked.

I did tell my husband abou this a few days later. Cheating was the one thing I could do get his attention and break him from his robotic-like ways. He cried for about a month straight. I no longer see this other guy much. I put way too much into our intial meeting. I dont regret it though. It made me realize that I don't have to be a matyr in my marriage if my partner is not putting in equal work. Now we are in seperate bedrooms. He doesn't talk much to me anymore. We talk about who is going to pick up the kids, who is going out when, etc. It is just like I wanted. We are roommates who have children.

I felt desperately like I needed to date. To keep my mind off of things. I've never seen my husband so distant from me. He seems happier. He has engrossed himself in his gaming and goes out several times a week. I would even be very happy for him if he met a nice woman. I even took a new job in case we do decide not to live together. So, I have all I wanted. I wanted to have my cake and eat it too.

I dont regret anything. I do feel empty now. Perhaps it is sadness of wanting a marriage to work that cant. And lonely. I am sure this is all good for me. I never face what I really feel. I never have the time to. I have had more time to myself lately than in years. I have idle time to think. Perhaps I will learn to get along with myself.

Friends asked me to join them for sex. I may take them up on it. I guess I've always wanted to explore my sexuality, but had a husband who does not even like to get naked. Im not sure what I will do. I guess that is what scares me most. I always know what is next and what i will do. Alot of things are out of my hands. Its hard for me to leave things up to "fate", but it seems there is not a whole lot I can do besides reach out to friends, be a good mother, and be nice to myself.